So, the time has come for me to do my annual ‘deep as fuck’ life review. You lucky spuds. I’ve not had a lot to say of late. Not just in blog land but to anyone really. You see, somewhere along the way I seem to have lost my way without even realising it.
I used to be fierce as fuck, like once upon a time. That was the best version of me. Probably in the last 3 years, I have been through some right mad trauma. There has defo been more downs than ups. Not that I’m one to feel sorry for myself like. But if I were an actual human sized steaming turd, I may have felt better than I did at some points during this time.
Recently, that kind of all came to a head; one significant (to me) event occurred that somehow managed to turn what was something that made me feel very sad into a blessing in disguise. It snapped me right out of my little rut and kick started me back into a bit of soul searching, like the soft little shit I really am.
It came at the perfect time for me really. I was about to get on a plane to India. I was away on business . Makes me sound important that dun it? I’m not. I’m just a tiny little number in a sea full off fish each with their own unimportant number bashing about. But hey, let’s pretend, bit of role play never hurt anyone did it?!?
Not gonna lie I went to India to get a tan. I mean, obviously I went to work hard, kind of. But, what actually happened defo wasn’t on my travel agenda. I only went and found myself didn’t I! No wonder I was feeling lost here if my personality was a 15 hour flight away, in the middle of the Delhi business district. Who knew?!
When I got to India it was a proper line in the sand for me. Just before I went I moved house. I like cram in the worlds most stressful experiences all into a week long period me. Keeps me on my toes like. But having just made some big decisions I chose to look at this as a fresh start. It’s been a long time since I felt like I proper had my shit together and I finally owned something which offered me some security again. It felt absolutely sound, and I made a pledge to myself that from that day on there would be no looking back. Only forwards. So when I got to India I threw myself into work and just expected to have a nice time.
I had chance to really have a think about what was important to me in life while I was out there. I didn’t really sleep you see. I have been the worlds worst sleeper since I left Matt but jet lag proper fucked that shit up for me like a good t’ing. I basically was awake for around 20 hours a day, 19 of which were spent on the loo nursing my Delhi belly bumhole. I am SO fit I know.
I realised that what I actually had done for a good couple of years is to try so hard to please the people around me – the important ones. That actually I had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted for myself. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine. I didn’t even realise it was happening, until my head was up my bum hole. I had become paranoid as fuck… And any drive for me to actually get up and do something fun had completely disappeared. How tragic.
When I was out there I got chatting to someone who I had known in a much younger, many moons ago life, as a passing friend – and I swear I just slipped back into being the person I used to be. It was like a personality lightbulb had just been switched back on. Mad shit. I feel like it proper brought out the absolute best of me again. It was a bit of a shock to feel how significantly my personality has changed without me even realising it. Everything that used to be important to me came flooding back and I felt absolutely EPIC.
Upon my return, I was all like jazz hands about life. Absolutely buzzing off feeling like myself again. To get back to ‘reality’ to have a little bit of that buzz sucked out of me again. I thought about losing my mind for 3 days I recon, but Fuck that… No stopping me now in my quest for a fresh start is there… Absolutely high on life me! Instead of feeling sad about coming back down to earth with a bump. It has only made me feel more sure of myself. Sure that if there is anyone in my life who isn’t bringing positivity to my table then I’m not keeping the seats open just for the sake of it. Now I know how absolutely dog turd having the wrong people around you can make you feel, I’m going to surround myself with the absolute Creme de la Creme. It’s all about quality for me, not quantity. I feel stronger than ever, being able to find positives in a negative situation, always.
This morning I went for a coffee with a good friend and after our initial 2 hour life rundown update he started telling me about this book he has been reading. He said its written by a guy who was in a concentration camp. Absolutely the worst case scenario of course. This guy has the philosophy that if you used the power of the strength within you, and your mind to feel positively about a situation – there is no bastard in the universe that can get you down. And he only went on to write a self help book the hero! There’s defo some logic in that I recon. There is an element of choice we face in difficult times. You can choose the mood Hoover the life out of you, or find something positive and power on through.
On my way back from India I watched one of the most profound films that I’ve ever seen. You know the sort that absolutely fucks with your mind massively. I believe to give you an accurate portrayal I started crying about 6 minutes in. You know the quiet sort of cry being as there was a few hundred people knocking about… then 2 hours later whilst absolutely wailing , no longer giving a fuck about hiding my absolute dispair, at the same time as trying to order my aeroplane fry up from the awkward looking flight attendant. The whole time pointing at the built in TV screen sniffling “it’s just so sad” but also laughing hysterically about what an absolute mess I was. Yeah, that should set the scene for you. Normal behaviour.
In this film, there was scene where one of the characters was asked if she still loved her ex husband and she produced a card that read “if only we were strangers”. I could relate to that so much which is probably why I had a mental breakdown on an Airbus 380! Many a time I thought that the only way I would ever have a hope of saving my marriage at the time was if we could become strangers again. Start over. It proper got me. I watched the main character try and be saved by his friends from the strongest most significant grief that had literally left him as an empty shell. I was literally watching the film, feeling like, even though in a completely different scenario or parallel universe, that it was basically what had happened to me. I was an absolute shell of the old me. Having realised so much about how I’d changed whilst I was in India, seeing how the story unfolded, I could literally see clearly, the shell I had become and all of a sudden I recognised when I’d lost me. In the grief of the situation, and then the attempts at trying to rebuild my life – I’d made so many compromises that actually I’d just given up on everything that was important to me.
For the first time in the 3 traumatic years. I finally feel at peace. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I feel truly blessed. I no longer feel as though I lost something. I feel incredibly lucky in fact that I will get the chance to feel those things again. There is times in your life, like falling in love, deciding to start a family, buying houses, going on dream holidays, having epic adventures… The sort of things that create a feeling in you like no other. Not just happiness, but elation. Absolute jazz hands moments. And I have all of this too look forward too.
I have spent far to long looking back in grief. I feel like the badass version of me I used to be is back.
I have a small but perfectly formed group of best friends. I have a whole load of exciting shit to look forward to. I am a stranger to my ex husband, and I intend to keep it that way, happily. I feel absolute comfortable with what I’m looking for in life, and who I am.
I don’t need to try hard to make people like me. Not everyone will treat me as I would them, but that’s ok. Because what makes me a good person is that my standards are high. Other people aren’t always going to be as Considerate of others as I am of them, but instead of taking that personally I’m going to take the positives out of it and just be pleased that makes me a decent human.
I am excited that as I approach my 30s. That when I enter them I recon I’ll have this life shit pretty much down. There is always more to learn and experience but I am absolutely comfortable. I’m going to be ok, more than ok. Literally in the face of anything life throws at me. The last 3 years haven’t been trauma – they’ve been a seriously fucking valuable life lesson and I’m coming out feeling better than ever, like the true Mong I always was. I am the only one I need.
The fierce as fuck version of Laura Martin