A fiercely honest account of the absolute UGLY truth about why 2015 has left me as a shadow of my former fabulous self.

Well hasn’t social media been a boring place to be for the last week. Reviews of how peoples years have come and gone, the highs it has brought, the new years resolutions that will be set…

I despise reading all of that absolute bullshit. I normally choose to disappear off social media in anticipation and avoidance. But this year, I am going to inflict you all.

A little more than a year ago I was pretty fucking fabulous. Like I actually was really proud of the person that I was.

I had grown into my looks slightly more than when I resembled an actual toothy troll as a child, and whilst I am no super model, I was comfortable with what God had given me, with maybe the exception of my hook like snout and I 100% do look like a slug from my side profile! But you cant win them all…

I was confident in my presentation of myself, and around people. I wouldn’t say I have ever been the life and soul of the party! I stopped partying about 7 years ago. However, I have always been considered fairly outgoing and a bit of an extravert.

I was successful. It has always been important for me to be the best at my game. Even if I’ve been in a shit job. Ive been the best at my shitty little job. Making sure all of the people in the right places knew who I was and what I had to offer just in case they fancied giving me a huge pay rise, and a fancy promotion.

I was incredibly self assured. I have always prided myself on my incredible low maintenance as a woman. Like it was my actual USP! I have been self sufficient in almost every way, and needed very little from those around me to get by. I did my thing, and they did theirs. I have never really experienced envy, or jealousy and I made a conscious effort not to feel them. Horrid toxic little feelings they are. Why would anyone encourage them or even give them the time of day…

I was humbled. I felt lucky every day. Lucky to have someone I really cared for by my side, who I never took for granted. Still woke up every morning and thanked my lucky stars. I had my shit together and I was SO grateful for feeling like my life was fully on track – from the plan I formed as a naive little 10 year old girl about what my life would look like. We were doing ok!

Now I do feel the need to warn you… This isn’t a read that’s aimed at pleasing those of you in society who are not comfortable with honesty. Like full on, ugly, somewhat miserable honesty. I know some folk prefer to only acknowledge the pretty, happy and shiny things in life that make us feel great and see no value in being a miserable old bastard! However, I am more of a realist. There is misery in the world, and its ok to accept it for what it is. Shit happens and people are allowed to talk about it. So if you are one of those ‘Happiness only please…’ type of people I suggest you stop reading now…

[For those of you still with me…hello fellow realistic people]

I should point out I am not miserable. I am generally ok. I am just very comfortable in my experiences and emotions. In fact some days I feel pretty badass for just not being scared to talk about it. My life is full to the brim of sleepless nights of self reflection, and absolutely zero bullshit. Call it therapy. I am not here to feel sorry for me, so don’t you even dare consider it yourself – Man up and don’t be a massive wet lettuce!

So lets kick in with where it all started to go a bit west.

Grief. I experienced what I can only describe as the worst grief I have had the misfortune to endure. However, this time no one died. My long term, and generally successful marriage concluded – The thing that I lived for. I made the decision, and it did not make it any easier. What I had loved being a part of for so long was no longer there, and I was lost. I found that initially people have plenty of patience with you and every conversation centres around how you are feeling and are there any advancements on previous updates. Then as time went on I started to hear “Don’t you think its time you moved on now…” or “Shouldn’t you be ok now. Life goes on.” Too right life goes on. It had been going on for nearly a year and it wasn’t getting much easier. People really misunderstand the feeling of breaking off a long term relationship. They literally may as well have died. Thankfully for them and the people who care for them, they haven’t. However, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. You go from having contact everyday with someone, to nothing. No option to contact them. Not really. Not if you want to get to a point where life does actually feel like it ‘goes on’. They have vanished from your existence and you’re left feeling bereaved and fairly fucking devastated.

Self Loathing. I realised something completely new about myself. I was selfish. This was not a discovery I am at all proud of. I spent the best part of a year beating myself up about actually putting the feelings of someone I cared about aside and putting my own feelings first. In the process of this I hurt someone that I loved. That’s actually very difficult to come to terms with. Especially when you have never really hurt anyone significantly before. It was a really catch 22. I either sacrificed my own needs, or theirs. Regardless of who you choose, it feels wank.

One thing I have held onto is that my heart is still worn on my sleeve. This is both a blessing and a curse. It opens me up to hurt again, but it also means that when someone is willing to let me ‘in’ then they are welcomed with the most loving and welcoming arms around. This applied to friends and relationships really. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not too. Whilst this inevitably means that sometimes I feel hurt or disappointed in humans and the fact they don’t all tend to act as I would – it does mean that I still maintain my loving heart. I am a great friend, and a great romantic. If you have me, as either, you have all of me – all in! You lucky devils…

Now back to the misery…

This is the thing I am MOST disappointed about of all about the ‘new’ shitter version of me. I AM high maintenance. What the FUCK! All of those years of being the sound girlfriend are OVER. For fucks sake…

I now require an absolutely embarrassing level of reassurance. I need to know that you haven’t changed your mind about the way you feel and if you don’t tell me you like me for a bit – I have to check! Its really not an attractive trait and it literally drives people away! Even the most patient of people are sick of the new needy me. I’m sick of me! I am jealous, insecure and envious of other people. This extends to their lives, whether they may be a threat to my life and even more stupid the way they look. Previously, whilst I never took for granted the feelings my friends or my partner felt towards me, I never once doubted it. More fool me – because in the end that was a really nasty realisation. That actually some people, who were my number ones, did not feel the way I thought they did about me and the way I definitely still felt about them. I have lost not only a partner, but some best friends along the way and I am still saddened by this. Boo hoo!

This brings me on nicely to one positive that I have discovered. I never thought I would, but I do forgive! Its a very humbling feeling to be able to forgive someone who has hurt you. Not everyone gets the luxury of my forgiveness, but some people have been given second chances I never thought I would be able to offer. However, whilst on face value I can overlook their unlawful behaviour, I cannot ever forget it. This is still a stumbling block for me, as if I really think about what has happened, on the odd occasion that it does pop into my mind these days – I get mad. Like a tiny inner version of hulk like rage where I just think – OH MY, What an almighty prick you are! I’m almost there, but not fully haha! Practise makes perfect…

The thing that effects my day to day life the most is my new found and completely unwelcome social anxiety. As opposed to the confident, mingling individual I used to be I now avoid medium to large sized social gatherings like they are some incurable STD. Initially, when I met with Family, or old friends – people did one of two things. They went in with, what has happened? Tell me everything – or I daren’t even speak to you at all in case you cry on me. Both of these were awful. Now if someone asks me about my year, my canned response is ‘I am sick of talking about it, so lets not”. I found myself feeling like I didn’t want to speak to anyone at all, and like I wanted to cry and just be silent, and no one ask me if I was ok. I just wanted to escape. So instead. I have just stopped attending. This has then, spiralled a little further into just generally associating social occasions with a feeling of dread even when it involves strangers. However, I do plough through on most situations, if I am sure that there will be no focus on me personally. I went to a football match this week. I wanted to have a huge panic attack and run away from all of the shouty, loud people. But instead, I sucked it up – pretended I knew a little about what was going on and I actually had a nice time. Thankfully, my close friends have been very understanding of this symptom and I have been pardoned from the events I just couldn’t face. Nice humans they are!

I guess the most obvious issue I have faced is that I have just been really really sad. Like initially, VERY low. I’m about 80% ok now, compared to about 20% ok earlier in the year. I have found that because whilst not knowing what has happened on the most part, that many people I know, and some I don’t, have actually contacted me. They have either reminded me that actually I’m not all bad, and that they just wanted me to know that they valued my existence to seeking support as they too feel very low. Both have these have helped me through massively. People have asked how I’ve dealt with it generally, and honestly, I have just been uncomfortably honest. I remember speaking with one of my best friends, and they said “how are you?” just as a general hello. To which I responded “Well this week I keep thinking about driving my car into a wall, and last night I googled how many pain killers it would actually take to kill me. However, don’t worry – I cant be arsed to buy 200 paracetamol. Can you imagine how many shops I’d have to go to, and I don’t want to risk just getting to the point I become disabled. I want 100% guarantee I will die, and nothing can provide me with this. So I know I wont do anything stupid. Anyway, enough of that – would you like tea of coffee?”. They cried. I told them to man up. We chose coffee instead of tea and cracked on with our conversation. This shocked people massively, and worried some of them. But honestly, they had no reason to worry. I wouldn’t have been so braisen about it if I actually wanted to do it. That didn’t stop me thinking about doing stupid things, however, it did mean that all taboo was taken away. No holes were barred. We could fully discuss both my feelings, and then they on most occasions followed my lead about their own troubles. This open forum has been a huge blessing in disguise and I’m so glad I decided not to be embarrassed or a complete pussy about opening up to people. It probably saved my life!

Whilst, I have by far had the absolute worst year of my life, and I would love to say I’m glad its over but I am definitely taking my battle into 2016. However, there have been some real positives that have come out of my year as well…

I have a new found ability to survive without relying on another human. I had my rug fully pulled from under me. I lost my house, a lot of my belongings, friends, my one true love, financial security and in turn my bloody MOJO. I have rebuilt my life, and I now have all of my own things that no one can take away from me. My house, my dog, largely my sanity haha. I can function on my own, and people can come and go – but either way, I will be sound! I cant ever stop anyone leaving my life, however, I can be in control of the effect that that has on my everyday existence. I’m much more self sufficient in terms of material things, and I intend to keep it that way. God help anyone who wants to share with me again… Haha! My poor mother and father spent all of those years instilling that sharing moral value into me and my siblings and now I’m like NO TARRRR.

I have learned that the minute you stop trying and start taking something for granted that you should expect to lose it. Everything in life is earned. Especially love. Don’t give up the ghost because you think you’ve got it in the bag. That shit takes work. Well done all of the nan and granddads out there – you are EPIC!

I have come to terms with the fact that actually, in life, we are only here once. If something doesn’t work for you, don’t be afraid to take a risk. Even if it is selfish. If I hadn’t have been selfish I would still be living in a life I had no idea only I was fighting for. I’m not mad about that, I’m grateful. I may be FREAKING OUT because I turn 27 next week and my shit is absolutely not together, however, I’m better off for it. I have my whole life ahead of me to make sure I fill with all of the things I desperately want from it. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less. YOLO and all that jazz – but seriously, don’t fuck about. You only get one. Make it the best it can be!

I know really, that deep down in my core – probably somewhere around my large intestine – I am still FABULOUS. At the minute I am just fighting the battle to find myself again. I am not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself in 2016 – If something isn’t working for me. I’m going to make some changes. As our old friend Albert Einstein so intelligently said “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the results to be different’. I certainly don’t fancy a lifetime of insanity so I will continue to challenge myself, and try some different shit until I get back to my inner awesomeness. Its not lost, its just buried somewhere.

I know that this time next year – I will be back to my normal social media hating self at new year! Comfortable in myself, and hating all of your boring mundane new year statuses and I cannot wait!

Peace out folk. Go find your MOJO and run with it….

Loves ❤

 

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2 thoughts on “A fiercely honest account of the absolute UGLY truth about why 2015 has left me as a shadow of my former fabulous self.

  1. Hey – this doesn’t seem ugly .. not at all.
    Reading it makes me want to talk to you about so many things … but I probably wont do that here ..
    Just a few thoughts: you are 27. I am 57. Big age difference, eh … but you are so wise, really, for your age. So reflective and interesting and willing to learn. That is such a strength, really.

    Be kind to yourself, you are bereaved, you’ve had a massive shock to what you thought was certain and it makes you doubt everything, but it comes back. You will recover, I am sure. You maybe changed by it, but you will find new certainties. Or learn to live with the fact that NOTHING is certain.

    I totally “get” that thing about not wanting to socialise and do small talk with ppl when you are traumatised .. I have retreated bit of quiet bubble for many months at a time during the last ten years. Finding shorthand ways of tellling your story that you are happy to keep repeating does help. If you start to say “It’s OK” often enough it starts to gain a momentum and truth of its own.

    It is all OK .. and knowing that some other people understand and will stick by you even through the long haul of recovery is really amazing. Embrace your true friends and hold your beautiful head high, my dear. You are so special, really.

    Like

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