Soooooo…. I’ve had an unusual amount of time on my hands of late and I may not have actually got out of bed for quite some time. Attractive hey?!? There really is nothing fitter than the laziest human in existence feeling sorry for themselves every day is there.
Given all of this time on my hands I have been watching a LOT of dead dead shit TV! My new vice is First Dates. I proper proper have an addiction to it. I think I really should stop writing loads of words twice I do. I’m not sure it adds much dramatic effect to my sentences does it?!
So anyway, I also downloaded Tinder for about half an hour to see if fit men exist within my vicinity. A man messaged me, I really didn’t actually want to speak to a single human – I got scared and deleted it immediately haha! Normal behaviour!
It got me thinking – I wonder what an actual honest personal add would actually read like. No one tells the truth on their dating profile, or first dates really do they. So I thought, I would spend a little time – being as I am absolutely not looking for love, and am 100% closed for business in every sense of the words – writing an actual honest personal add just for your enjoyment. No one else dares. I say – he who dares wins.
I should also point out in my (nearly) 27 years of life I have never been taken on a date. Well, that is kind of a lie. When I was around 13, or like a decade ago or whatever it is, I went out with a boy called Jonathan. He took me to see ‘Meet the Parents’ and I was basically a lactose intolerant midget so about 1 foot tall. He brought me popcorn. I sat in my fold down chair, and I got a bit stuck in the foldy bit, my feet folded into my head and I threw my popcorn all over the cinema. Smooth hey?! So I never bothered again haha! Shall we pretend that this is the reason I haven’t been on a date and not because no one has asked me?! Yes, lets!
I’ve always found myself to be a very low maintenance bird. I’m not much into high maintenance me. Who can be arsed with that shit? I’m like a tell it how it is kinda girl and with me you get what you see. If you play games, get yourself down the park mate. While you’re there I have a dog that needs walking…
This brings me nicely onto my first point. Must LOVE dogs. My dog is literally my best mate. Like I proper love her. Loads. She is like my actual child. I don’t put her in my handbag or anything – I’m not that girly. In fact I’m a bit of a bloke I am. But on a serious note, if you won’t let my dog into your bed. Like in the actual covers. We can’t go out.
You MUST be a mong. Honestly, if you aren’t we won’t get on. I like someone who is an absolute idiot through and through. I don’t like to take myself too seriously, and I like someone who is up for being a bit of a tool with me. To test your mong levels – we can play a game of guess who. Instead of describing the hair colour or all of that boring shite – lets go with ‘are you a Kebab shop owner?’ and see if we can level with each others inner mong and end up with the same person at the end. Then we can go out.
Cute humans need apply. I like gayness. Like the maximum levels. Nothing is ever too cute. If you make my mates throw up cu’s you’re the cutest human ever – you’re in! I hate surprises, but you’d better surprise me. Cus’ I like that you wanted too cus’ that’s cute innit.
Must not be a wet lettuce. I hate a soggy peace of salad. I like a firm, crisp piece of lettuce who knows what salad he wants to be in. Basically, make a decision. I’m dead not decisive, and I need you to man up and look after me. Don’t let me walk all over you either, but also don’t try and tell me what to do…OKAY? Its not that hard is it?? Make sure you’ve got a bit of ambition too. Know where you’re going and what you want. Preferably lets aim for the same direction.
Must be willing to be a big spoon. I LOVE a cuddle and you must stroke my hair every night without fail until I fall asleep. And like a good stroke too, not just like a dead shit one where you get all of your fingers knotted up in my hair and pat me a bit.
Must understand that girls fart too. Honestly, I find a fart proper funny. What’s not funny is a boy who thinks girls don’t fart, or poo or have normal bodily functions. What’s even more not funny is having to hold your fart in for a YEAR! You must also appreciate a good bit of fart humour too.
Must not tell anyone I look rank in the morning. I do – lets keep that a secret.
Commitment phobes need not apply – no seriously – don’t! I’m aiming for the good life. Like Kids and that one day.
You must like Santa. I get proper excited about Christmas. So you will need to wake up at like 4am on Christmas morning.
Must not like walking too much. Honestly, my Dad dragged me on so many camping holidays as a kid. He made me walk looooooads and I still haven’t come to terms with it. I like an adventure. But more of a like get in a car, and drive to it kind of adventure. D’you know what I’m saying?
Must be willing to give me your opinion when ever it is requested, however, be prepared for me to fully ignore your advice. I’m only asking you to make myself feel better about the decision I have already made.
So basically, I don’t want that much do I?!
You should also know, that basically, if you want to go out with me – you need not apply. Because Im totes not going out with anybody right now, or for the foreseeable future. My shops closed for the season.