The Meaning of Fucking Life!

I tell you what, when you’re growing up and you are desperate to be a grown up way ahead of your years they REALLY don’t tell you about the crap bits that come with being an adult. Its proper hard innit?!?
Life is full of difficult decisions, that no one has prepared you for and you find yourself in some really crappy situations just winging it and hoping for the best haha! Lets face it no one really knows how to adult – We are all just winging it and praying that in some way we make a decision that will bring us closer to the life that we really wanted when we were naïve little girls. Thinking only that we would all live happily ever after. I talk about this with one of my absolute best pals often, who is coincidentally a mother of a very lovely young lady. We discuss how we will construct a conversation aimed at an 8 year old, to tell them about what hardships may come to better prepare them for the REAL world. It’s a rather depressing concept to portray – so in the end we were thrilled to learn there is a new programme on Disney which is based on the young daughters of all of the ‘Pure, heavenly’ Disney characters that we grew up around. The daughters are all major badasses and they cause all sorts of havoc and are mean to people along the way. We just gave her a TV remote and said, watch that haha! How very 21st century – if that even is the century we are in now. It sums up a little of what we would be trying to explain at least, and takes away some of the sugar coating.
Not only is adulting really difficult, but being an adult woman is even harder. Have you ever seen that film ‘What women want’? It portrays the idea that men are oblivious to what we REALLY want – and following a mishap with an electrical current Mel Gibson is finally privy to one of life’s biggest mysteries. Well Mel, when you find out please let me know. I am a women and for the love of actual god I have no idea what I want so god help the men in my life! Or women for that matter – never say never!
When I was a little girl I had some really mad ideas about what I REALLY wanted from life…
My very first memory was speaking to my lovely Dad about driving. Upon one of our father/daughter car journeys he instructed me that I should learn how to read a map. He said that I never looked where we were going when we were in the car and with that he handed me the ridiculously massive and confusingly folded piece of paper and instructed me to ‘Find where we were’. I looked at him like he was THE most retarded human in the world who had lost the actual plot and said “I don’t need to know how to read a map Daaaad.” In hindsight, I was very right. However, little did I know that a small electronically powered equivalent to a paper cup and a piece of string would be capable of telling me how to get from A to B and instead I replied “I am going to marry a man, who will drive me everywhere I want to go dad. So I don’t even need to learn how to drive.” I was proper proud of myself too.
As an adult, many years later – I was lucky enough to have actually married a man who was completely T-Total. You know what that meant. It meant designated drivers 4EVS. Yes, my childhood dream had come true. In fact when I very first met him I couldn’t actually drive. So my once fatally floored ‘dream’ of being chauffeured around had finally become a reality. And do you know what, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. When I couldn’t actually drive myself, I had to wait to be picked up from everywhere. And my then husband (yes we are no more!) was absolutely the most diabolical time keeper. In the winter months I could spend 40 minutes to an hour waiting in the rain after work to be picked up, thinking ‘surely he cant be much longer now’.
The dream of the always designated driver also drastically affected our relationship fun levels. At no point could we ever get blind drunk together and make absolute tits of ourselves dancing to terrible music at crappy weddings. He was as sober as a judge – and I felt like I had to behave like a judge was watching my every move too. Its funny how even when someone says nothing, you feel compelled to behave so much more when they are sober and you have had a drink. But at the end of each of those nights I got into the passenger side of the car, looked at my feet and not out of the window, as I always had and I got driven from A to B – Was I happy?! No. Obviously, I am a woman!
Now lets see, what else did I want…
When I started high school I became fascinated with the idea that I wanted a baby – by the age of 16. As you do. What an absolute moron I was ha!
I had decided that the only thing I wanted in life was to become a parent. Babies were very cute, and small and when you had one you somehow looked super cool. A little like smoking a cigarette. Because that was cool once wasn’t it?!?
With this in mind, I chose to study child development when I got to year 9 and could choose my own subjects. I was MOST excited about this prospect. We went through two years of ‘intense’ training (which wasn’t very intense at all) about what may be involved in being a parent. I did actual coursework on how to look after a child haha! What a ridiculous concept that was. Then after studying hard for those two years the course came to a head when we got the chance to look after the simulated doll! DER DER DERRRRR.
It was the moment I had been waiting for… the chance to be a fake mum! I was so excited by this that I made a special request to the ever so slightly interfering Mrs Powell and asked if I could take baby Olivia (yes we respectably named her too) home for the WHOLE weekend instead of the one night that the course involved. She was more than happy to oblige and at the time I remember feeling very lucky.
The Friday came around and I was dead excited to take her home. I proudly cuddled the doll – at the age of 16. Who even plays with dolls at 16??! I got her home and all was going well. The way she worked is she came with a small slot in her back and a series of keys that represented different activities like winding, feeding, cuddling etc… When she cried you had to try and figure out what it was that she wanted and then act accordingly by placing the correct key in her back. Piece of piss! Right?!? WRONNNNNNG. As night fell, and the house became quiet I swear her cries became louder. That first night she woke me up 15, YES 15!!!! times. My brother began to bang on our connecting bedroom wall as if I could make her shut the fuck up quicker. So I proceeded to put a pillow over her face. Guess what?!? She knew and cried louder. Who knew smothering your fake child was against the rules?!?
Even now I wonder if babies do realistically wake up 15 times a night – surely not?
On my 15th wake up call of the night having smothered baby Olivia I was ready to crack her against a wall. Such a natural aren’t I? So one of the keys that came with her was called the dramatically named PANIC key. This key silenced her, but it also notified your teacher you had failed as a mother haha! So I though, fuck this shit – I went downstairs and I got the tape out of the drawer in the kitchen. I placed the panic key into her holey back and I wrapped tape all around her middle taping it in so she would just SHUT THE HELL UPPPPP! Guess what – didn’t work! So not only had I failed, and now my teacher knew – she was still crying. She was like the spawn of Satan.
As you can imagine after a weekend of looking after the devil child, which also involved a public trip to Milton Keynes – where I was seen out of the house, in public, as a 16 year olf – playing with a DOLL! My life was over – I could not wait to hand her back.
To be honest, I go through phases. When I was married all I wanted to be was a mum. I tried, it didn’t really work and turns out its much harder than they lead you to believe when they put the fear of god into you in sex education. In hindsight, as I am a failed marriage down – This really was a blessing in disguise. But in all honesty, I still find a lot of children really annoying. They’re quite needy aren’t they?!? Not sure I am ready for that.
So yet again, my other life’s mission has gone a bit ski-wiff again too!
Finally, I wanted to get married. I did it. I was very excited – and I thought I had properly MADE IT. My life was complete. I was going to be one of those nuclear families that you saw on the front of post cards at Christmas. Hurrah. Oh wait, that went up the shitter too. I mean that was a little more complex than an annoying baby screaming 15 times a night and standing out in the cold waiting for my lift, but non the less my third and final desire in life had failed.
I cant even say the wedding was the best day of my life. I really wanted it to be. I thought I was all about the party and the ceremony didn’t matter. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The ceremony was perfect, and the party was dead crap. I spend the whole night worrying, and then afterwards I worried some more. I never saw my husband, and barely spoke to most of my friends and I cried for 2 weeks after it was over haha!
So now, I am left here – wondering what do I really want in life! I thought I had all that I wanted, and it turns out that it wasn’t all that whether that be just because of certain factors or because it just wasn’t as perfect as I had hoped. Its properly drummed into you as a child that you must always know where you are heading and what you want to achieve – but no one ever tell you that life gets in the way.
I sat over dinner with someone telling me all about their life plan, and how they would never deviate from it for anyone because it was the most important thing to them at this moment in time. And whilst I completely admire their optimism and their focus – can we ever decide and get what we truly want in life if we really set our minds to it? Or does life just get in the way?
For any of you peoples that know me in real life, rather than social media life – you will know that I am ANAL. I am a control freak, in the most overwhelming way possible. I too spent my life thinking I had a plan, and that I WOULD get it and it was the absolute most important thing possible. Everyone was going to have to go along with it, whether they liked it or not. If you told me my plan was floored, or even recommended something else – I wanted it harder!
For the first time in my life I am sat here, alone. With only my dog for company realising that I have no plan. Nothing. Nada. I have no idea what I want from life now. I had everything I wanted and I essentially lost it. That sounds depressing, but it isn’t always. I lost it on purpose in some cases.
I am LOSING MY MIND having no plan. I have no sense of direction, and no desire to reach an end goal. I simply get through each day at a time.
I wonder if when I was 8 and telling my Dad about my dead certain life plan – if he too wondered how to warn my what life would throw at me?!? Probably. As I am now an adult, I can also tell you, and all of the 8 year olds out there thinking life will be great – That the reason I couldn’t think of a way to tell a child what life will REALLY be like, and how to be prepared for that is because honestly, you never ever know. Not even when you are an adult. You have no idea what you are doing, and if it is right. You can only do what feels right for you at the time. And so that brings us back to our ‘fluffy little childhood dreams’ – Do what makes you happy said all parents always.
They were right really weren’t they?!? They just forgot the bit about the upset that causes along the way. I’m sure that life is just one big confusing mess and you certainly learn some valuable lessons along the way. I will keep facing each day, hoping for some clarity – now in the knowledge I may never find it
Good luck being an adult kids – you’ll need it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s