Just because you suffer with mental illness doesn’t mean you’re ‘mental’

So, this week has really got me thinking about mental health. Not the real bad types, but your general run of the mill depression and anxiety. The thing that’s funny about mental health is, that actually it’s probably more mental if you are fortunate enough that you haven’t, at some point, suffered from it yourself.

Now I don’t know what it says about the company that I keep, but I would say that almost everyone I have associated myself with, or gotten to a stage where we Confide in one another has indeed fitted into the ‘category’ of having had mental health issues at some stage. Like if we talked maths, probably about 80% of people I know have told me that at one point or another they have felt ‘depressed’ or ‘anxious’. It’s probably because life throws a whole load of really wank shit at you when you ‘get big’. I love a good meme me and I read my favourite one yet this week which read Dear teenagers worrying about life being shit. You’ve only touched the tip of its dick”. Never a truer meme. No one really prepares you for adult life properly. The older you get the more challenges will come your way, really it’s just how you deal with them that count.

I myself have had times in my life where I have found myself feeling incredibly low. When I was younger, and more idiotic – I used to cope with my occasional bouts of depression in a much worse way. For the first time ever when I was in college I decided to share my experiences with people around me. I remember absolutely shitting oneself when I had to admit to people that I wasn’t always ok. It was fairly well received and from that day forward I’ve been lucky enough that the people I surround myself with have always had my back. It set the tone for how I felt it best to discuss my low times. That is in the most nonchalant, in your face honesty, brash and unembaraased way possible. As I have referenced in a previous blog a friend once said to me “how are you?” To which I responded “well, you know, every time I get in my car this thought to drive it into a wall keeps entering my head. I mean, naturally I’m never going to do it, or I wouldn’t be telling you now – but other than that it’s been sound. So would you like tea or cowffee?”. That friend cried. I told them to get a grip and that the feelings I occasionally had were actually not that far from normal and that I will continue to smash the shit out of life as I always have and then we moved on. I LOVE that I can be so honest with the people around me and that we can move on from it so quickly. God if we couldn’t, I don’t think I’d tell the buggers anything. No one wants to talk about that one week they had where they let life get the better of them like it’s some sort of cling on, incurable STD. We wanna forget about that shit, like now.

I mean don’t get me wrong. I’m not ‘mental’. I’m fairly normal, as much as you can be when you’re surrounded by the worlds best, most stupid, silly,  group of people you could get your hands on over the years. Call it a collection…

I’m very lucky that in the last 10 years I have actually felt like a pretty bad ass mother fucker. I’ve been through some tough times, as we all have and been more wet lettuce, but I’ve learned from these times. I’ve on the whole, wobbled my head, and sorted my shit out until calm was restored. I mean don’t get me wrong I’ve had a good wallow for a week or two before I recognized that actually you can’t let that feeling of not wanting to do anything, see anyone, or having the motivation to even get up in a morning take over. I pride myself on my strength and ability to pull myself out of those darker places like I’m owning life.

I think I have always found myself feeling comfort that when I meet new people and they eventually share their experiences with me that they too have had some difficult times. I also pride myself on the fact that I’m the guy they come to in those times of need. My honest, soft, but no nonsense sort your shit out approach has always been a hit and has gotten some of my nearest and dearest to wobble their own heads back into the realms of sanity!

These last few weeks I’ve realised some extra stuff about mental health though, some of which has even shocked me.. I should stress that these are my own, as always honest opinions and by no means are they the right or wrong way to think about mental health… I mean, you know me, I like living on the edge.

The first is my patience. Having been there myself there is still NOTHING I find more unattractive than self pity. I don’t care how low you are, or why you got there – there has to come a time when you ‘sort your shit out’. Mental health is like a cloud. A dark one that seeps over until you feel like it’s too rainy to go outside. Yes, you will feel like absolute dog turd for a week or two. In fact, you don’t generally see it coming until you realize when your phone beeps you’re purposely ignoring it, that you’ve not made an effort to make yourself look nice for a week or that actually your legs are way more hairy than is even acceptable. But when you have that moment of realization, what are you doing about it. There is no ‘cure’ as such, but there are things that you can do to make it better. Until you recognize your destructive behaviour , you can’t fix it , but if you let it carry on, without fighting back you might as well get the straight jacket out now. You should own your mental health, not let it own you.

I find personally that anxiety is a very different beast than depression, but there is still some things that can be done to make it better, seeking a distraction, – cuddle, or just walking to the top or a hill or driving into the middle of no where listening to only the spice girls. There is always at least one thing we can do to find that head space we need, it’s just about taking the bull by the horns and getting it done.

There is nowt to be ashamed of either way, but there is a real strength of character in your ability to recognize, and nip in the bud your own feeling of helplessness. It is possible, to make positive steps – whether that be medication, making yourself not look like shit for the day and actually washing your grubby hair, or just realigning your focus for each day to a more positive mindset. What ever it may be I do believe it’s possible. I know people say you can’t help having mental illness, and the REALLY bad ones this may be true of, however, i genuinely believe that there are things we can do to improve our own situations and whether you choose to let it take over, or you do what ever the fuck you can to feel better shows what sort of person you are.

I believe there is a fine line between sharing your challenges, and attention seeking. Now this ones a controversial one. Even as someone who has suffered myself, I really feel like some people think mental health is just for attention. It’s usually the people who have been lucky enough to escape the clutches of any ‘illness’ as such, who believe this. But, at times, I have met the occassional person who has within 5 minutes of meeting me, have told me that they self harm, or have made suicide attempts, and that they are weak people. These are the people I can’t help but feel actually LOVE the attention that mental illness brings them. I honestly believe, that it is such an intimate thing to share, that anyone who brandishes it about must have some element of wanting people to feel sorry for them. I mean, I did say that this was controversial but I cannot shake that feeling, or being annoyed by those people. It gives mental health a bit of a bad name generally. Tell your nearest and dearest, not every guy you meet on a night out.

The newest of my realisations is how people talk about it. As I say, I’ve been very well supported through my whole life. I could count the people who I have met who you could describe as incredibly lucky,  for not having any idea what you’re even talking about when it comes to mental health , on literally one hand. Now there’s some situations in life which it’s ok for someone  to talk about themselves in a particular way , but it’s totally not acceptable for you to talk about them in that way. Take for example the absolutely (in my opinion) disgusting ‘N’ Word that our favourite rappers brandish about like it’s their actual name. Now THAT shit is absolutely not acceptable for anybody in the right mind to call ANYONE,  but if they want to use it themselves then that’s fine. If I do share my challenges with you when I feel them , I’m likely to do it in a “I’m fucking offf the Rictar scale insane” “I’ve lost the plot , cookoo” kind of way. But, jeez Louise, it is not ok for you to refer to me as ‘unstable’ ‘mental’ or use any of the in your face, offensive ways I choose to describe myself. When it comes from me that’s because I’m choosing to be nonchalant about it, when it comes from you it’s just rude! Haha. It’s a really unfair way of expecting people to act really. I mean it’s one rule for me and another for them – but telling me I’m mental – isn’t going to go down THAT well. So just be mindful about how ‘insane’ you tell someone they are after they’ve shared their intimate thoughts with you. It took bollocks , so probably just reassure me I’m ‘normal’ than make me think I need locking up for a week or two in a padded room. You’re the weird one here, for not even understanding what mental health feels like, not the other way around! Ha.

With this realisation I’ve had to learn to have a two way level of patience. They need patience with you, and you need patience with them. It’s hard, but it’s a two way street as always.

Lastly, it’s not a choice. People don’t wake up and decide to feel sorry for themselves. It’s an actual ‘illness’. When you start thinking about it like that it’s easier for the non sufferers to understand. That doesn’t make you weak, and it should never be viewed as that. Yes, it’s up to you what you do about it and  you can’t let it take over, but that doesn’t mean you chose to feel wank of purpose. It is what it is and society just need to embrace it. If you don’t understand it take time to, because sadly, as it is you’re in the minority so a bit more knowledge of it wouldn’t hurt hey!

Its such a complex issue and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it, everybody is different. I only know what’s worked for me. The key for me is having a personal strength to control it as much as you can yourself, keeping your circle small but honest, and having patience with both the person suffering from it, and the person trying to understand it.

Its a big bag of wank and naturally, it would be easier if it didn’t exist, but it is what it is, so let’s stop pussy footing around it and just accept that being ‘mental’ is actually the new ‘normal’ so the world better catch up.

‘Unfuck yourself’ ; Be the person you were before all that stuff dimmed your shine

So, the time has come for me to do my annual ‘deep as fuck’ life review. You lucky spuds. I’ve not had a lot to say of late. Not just in blog land but to anyone really. You see, somewhere along the way I seem to have lost my way without even realising it.

I used to be fierce as fuck, like once upon a time. That was the best version of me. Probably in the last 3 years, I have been through some right mad trauma. There has defo been more downs than ups. Not that I’m one to feel sorry for myself like. But if I were an actual human sized steaming turd, I may have felt better than I did at some points during this time.

Recently, that kind of all came to a head; one significant (to me) event occurred that somehow managed to turn what was something that made me feel very sad into a blessing in disguise. It snapped me right out of my little rut and kick started me back into a bit of soul searching, like the soft little shit I really am.

It came at the perfect time for me really. I was about to get on a plane to India. I was away on business . Makes me sound important that dun it? I’m not. I’m just a tiny little number in a sea full off fish each with their own unimportant number bashing about. But hey, let’s pretend, bit of role play never hurt anyone did it?!?

Not gonna lie I went to India to get a tan. I mean, obviously I went to work hard, kind of. But, what actually happened defo wasn’t on my travel agenda. I only went and found myself didn’t I! No wonder I was feeling lost here if my personality was a 15 hour flight away, in the middle of the Delhi business district. Who knew?!

When I got to India it was a proper line in the sand for me. Just before I went I moved house. I like cram in the worlds most stressful experiences all into a week long period me. Keeps me on my toes like. But having just made some big decisions I chose to look at this as a fresh start. It’s been a long time since I felt like I proper had my shit together and I finally owned something which offered me some security again. It felt absolutely sound, and I made a pledge to myself that from that day on there would be no looking back. Only forwards. So when I got to India I threw myself into work and just expected to have a nice time.

I had chance to really have a think about what was important to me in life while I was out there. I didn’t really sleep you see. I have been the worlds worst sleeper since I left Matt but jet lag proper fucked that shit up for me like a good t’ing. I basically was awake for around 20 hours a day, 19 of which were spent on the loo nursing my Delhi belly bumhole. I am SO fit I know.

I realised that what I actually had done for a good couple of years is to try so hard to please the people around me – the important ones. That actually I had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted for myself. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine. I didn’t even realise it was happening, until my head was up my bum hole. I had become paranoid as fuck… And any drive for me to actually get up and do something fun had completely disappeared. How tragic.

When I was out there I got chatting to someone who I had known in a much younger, many moons ago life, as a passing friend – and I swear I just slipped back into being the person I used to be. It was like a personality lightbulb had just been switched back on. Mad shit. I feel like it proper brought out the absolute best of me again. It was a bit of a shock to feel how significantly my personality has changed without me even realising it. Everything that used to be important to me came flooding back and I felt absolutely EPIC.

Upon my return, I was all like jazz hands about life. Absolutely buzzing off feeling like myself again. To get back to ‘reality’ to have a little bit of that buzz sucked out of me again. I thought about losing my mind for 3 days I recon, but Fuck that… No stopping me now in my quest for a fresh start is there… Absolutely high on life me! Instead of feeling sad about coming back down to earth with a bump. It has only made me feel more sure of myself. Sure that if there is anyone in my life who isn’t bringing positivity to my table then I’m not keeping the seats open just for the sake of it. Now I know how absolutely dog turd having the wrong people around you can make you feel, I’m going to surround myself with the absolute Creme de la Creme. It’s all about quality for me, not quantity. I feel stronger than ever, being able to find positives in a negative situation, always.

This morning I went for a coffee with a good friend and after our initial 2 hour life rundown update he started telling me about this book he has been reading. He said its written by a guy who was in a concentration camp. Absolutely the worst case scenario of course. This guy has the philosophy that if you used the power of the strength within you, and your mind to feel positively about a situation – there is no bastard in the universe that can get you down. And he only went on to write a self help book the hero! There’s defo some logic in that I recon. There is an element of choice we face in difficult times. You can choose the mood Hoover the life out of you, or find something positive and power on through.

On my way back from India I watched one of the most profound films that I’ve ever seen. You know the sort that absolutely fucks with your mind massively. I believe to give you an accurate portrayal I started crying about 6 minutes in. You know the quiet sort of cry being as there was a few hundred people knocking about… then 2 hours later whilst absolutely wailing , no longer giving a fuck about hiding my absolute dispair, at the same time as trying to order my aeroplane fry up from the awkward looking flight attendant. The whole time pointing at the built in TV screen sniffling “it’s just so sad” but also laughing hysterically about what an absolute mess I was. Yeah, that should set the scene for you. Normal behaviour.

In this film, there was scene where one of the characters was asked if she still loved her ex husband and she produced a card that read “if only we were strangers”. I could relate to that so much which is probably why I had a mental breakdown on an Airbus 380! Many a time I thought that the only way I would ever have a hope of saving my marriage at the time was if we could become strangers again. Start over. It proper got me. I watched the main character try and be saved by his friends from the strongest most significant grief that had literally left him as an empty shell. I was literally watching the film, feeling like, even though in a completely different scenario or parallel universe, that it was basically what had happened to me. I was an absolute shell of the old me. Having realised so much about how I’d changed whilst I was in India, seeing how the story unfolded, I could literally see clearly, the shell I had become and all of a sudden I recognised when I’d lost me. In the grief of the situation, and then the attempts at trying to rebuild my life – I’d made so many compromises that actually I’d just given up on everything that was important to me.

For the first time in the 3 traumatic years. I finally feel at peace. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I feel truly blessed. I no longer feel as though I lost something. I feel incredibly lucky in fact that I will get the chance to feel those things again. There is times in your life, like falling in love, deciding to start a family, buying houses, going on dream holidays, having epic adventures… The sort of things that create a feeling in you like no other. Not just happiness, but elation. Absolute jazz hands moments. And I have all of this too look forward too.

I have spent far to long looking back in grief. I feel like the badass version of me I used to be is back.

I have a small but perfectly formed group of best friends. I have a whole load of exciting shit to look forward to. I am a stranger to my ex husband, and I intend to keep it that way, happily. I feel absolute comfortable with what I’m looking for in life, and who I am.

I don’t need to try hard to make people like me. Not everyone will treat me as I would them, but that’s ok. Because what makes me a good person is that my standards are high. Other people aren’t always going to be as Considerate of others as I am of them, but instead of taking that personally I’m going to take the positives out of it and just be pleased that makes me a decent human.

I am excited that as I approach my 30s. That when I enter them I recon I’ll have this life shit pretty much down. There is always more to learn and experience but I am absolutely comfortable. I’m going to be ok, more than ok. Literally in the face of anything life throws at me. The last 3 years haven’t been trauma – they’ve been a seriously fucking valuable life lesson and I’m coming out feeling better than ever, like the true Mong I always was. I am the only one I need.

Peace out

The fierce as fuck version of Laura Martin

“When someone offers you an amazing opportunity, say yes, and work out how to do it afterwards” Richard Branson 

So yet again, life throws some shit at you but I am about to embark on a real personal challenge and I can’t wait. 
I am feeling fairly overwhelmed with anxiety and the idea of being surrounded by absolutely zero of my friends, and interacting with a group of people I’ve never met – is absolutely filling me with dread. 
But, I’m going to move to a new city for the majority of every week, and be all on my lonesome with only some work acquaintances for company. 
I have relied VERY heavily on my friends to get me by in the last year, and I find myself in need of them again so moving away from them right now might be a terrible decision. 
I’m leaving my best friend, my lovely dog bets, with my parents. I’ve literally lived for her this last year and I am properly genuinely scared she’ll think I’ve abandoned her and either be sad, or forget I exist. 
So basically, I’m leaving everything I love, and rely on – just prove to myself that I can do something. 
A wise man, Mike Coote – a life coach (who literally changed my life in one week) who once taught me that when you’ve got 100% out of people then push for another 20%. At no point should you just accept the way things are – you can always make more of yourself. 
That’s exactly what I’m going to do. 
Last night, I was fairly low. I set up station on my sofa – bottle of Coke, shit tv, duvet and my dog. I started to feel a small personal melt down creeping up on me. 
So I got up, got dressed, and went to watch a film on my own. A comedy. I cried through some of it. Which is totally normal, isn’t it? 
Then the credits rolled, I manned up. Went home, got my dog – and we went on a 60 mile drive to literally no where and listened to Justin bieber on absolute full volume. Yes, I’m a belieber now… And what?! I’m not scared 
He’s not even a guilty pleasure. No such thing. I take enjoyment from all of life’s cheese me. 
It would be incredibly easy to sit here, feel sorry for myself and just hope that other people will get me by and do what I need of them to make me happy. I’ve kind of been that person for a few years. Which is a bit wet really isn’t it?!
So on Tuesday, I’m packing up my shit and I’m going to do something I really don’t feel like I want to do, for me. It’ll push me that next 20%, force me to get off my arse and not feel sad, not to mention pushing me right out of my comfort zone. 
I’m not leaving the country, and I’m going to be back 1.5 days a week for a little taste of reality – but this is a realllll personal challenge and I’m proud of myself for kicking life’s ass yet again and not being too scared to do it. 
Don’t let the bastards get you down, I can do this shit and I will make a success of it in one way or another. 
Peace out stokes – make sure you get the oatcakes in for the weekends ❤

A fiercely honest account of the absolute UGLY truth about why 2015 has left me as a shadow of my former fabulous self.

Well hasn’t social media been a boring place to be for the last week. Reviews of how peoples years have come and gone, the highs it has brought, the new years resolutions that will be set…

I despise reading all of that absolute bullshit. I normally choose to disappear off social media in anticipation and avoidance. But this year, I am going to inflict you all.

A little more than a year ago I was pretty fucking fabulous. Like I actually was really proud of the person that I was.

I had grown into my looks slightly more than when I resembled an actual toothy troll as a child, and whilst I am no super model, I was comfortable with what God had given me, with maybe the exception of my hook like snout and I 100% do look like a slug from my side profile! But you cant win them all…

I was confident in my presentation of myself, and around people. I wouldn’t say I have ever been the life and soul of the party! I stopped partying about 7 years ago. However, I have always been considered fairly outgoing and a bit of an extravert.

I was successful. It has always been important for me to be the best at my game. Even if I’ve been in a shit job. Ive been the best at my shitty little job. Making sure all of the people in the right places knew who I was and what I had to offer just in case they fancied giving me a huge pay rise, and a fancy promotion.

I was incredibly self assured. I have always prided myself on my incredible low maintenance as a woman. Like it was my actual USP! I have been self sufficient in almost every way, and needed very little from those around me to get by. I did my thing, and they did theirs. I have never really experienced envy, or jealousy and I made a conscious effort not to feel them. Horrid toxic little feelings they are. Why would anyone encourage them or even give them the time of day…

I was humbled. I felt lucky every day. Lucky to have someone I really cared for by my side, who I never took for granted. Still woke up every morning and thanked my lucky stars. I had my shit together and I was SO grateful for feeling like my life was fully on track – from the plan I formed as a naive little 10 year old girl about what my life would look like. We were doing ok!

Now I do feel the need to warn you… This isn’t a read that’s aimed at pleasing those of you in society who are not comfortable with honesty. Like full on, ugly, somewhat miserable honesty. I know some folk prefer to only acknowledge the pretty, happy and shiny things in life that make us feel great and see no value in being a miserable old bastard! However, I am more of a realist. There is misery in the world, and its ok to accept it for what it is. Shit happens and people are allowed to talk about it. So if you are one of those ‘Happiness only please…’ type of people I suggest you stop reading now…

[For those of you still with me…hello fellow realistic people]

I should point out I am not miserable. I am generally ok. I am just very comfortable in my experiences and emotions. In fact some days I feel pretty badass for just not being scared to talk about it. My life is full to the brim of sleepless nights of self reflection, and absolutely zero bullshit. Call it therapy. I am not here to feel sorry for me, so don’t you even dare consider it yourself – Man up and don’t be a massive wet lettuce!

So lets kick in with where it all started to go a bit west.

Grief. I experienced what I can only describe as the worst grief I have had the misfortune to endure. However, this time no one died. My long term, and generally successful marriage concluded – The thing that I lived for. I made the decision, and it did not make it any easier. What I had loved being a part of for so long was no longer there, and I was lost. I found that initially people have plenty of patience with you and every conversation centres around how you are feeling and are there any advancements on previous updates. Then as time went on I started to hear “Don’t you think its time you moved on now…” or “Shouldn’t you be ok now. Life goes on.” Too right life goes on. It had been going on for nearly a year and it wasn’t getting much easier. People really misunderstand the feeling of breaking off a long term relationship. They literally may as well have died. Thankfully for them and the people who care for them, they haven’t. However, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. You go from having contact everyday with someone, to nothing. No option to contact them. Not really. Not if you want to get to a point where life does actually feel like it ‘goes on’. They have vanished from your existence and you’re left feeling bereaved and fairly fucking devastated.

Self Loathing. I realised something completely new about myself. I was selfish. This was not a discovery I am at all proud of. I spent the best part of a year beating myself up about actually putting the feelings of someone I cared about aside and putting my own feelings first. In the process of this I hurt someone that I loved. That’s actually very difficult to come to terms with. Especially when you have never really hurt anyone significantly before. It was a really catch 22. I either sacrificed my own needs, or theirs. Regardless of who you choose, it feels wank.

One thing I have held onto is that my heart is still worn on my sleeve. This is both a blessing and a curse. It opens me up to hurt again, but it also means that when someone is willing to let me ‘in’ then they are welcomed with the most loving and welcoming arms around. This applied to friends and relationships really. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason not too. Whilst this inevitably means that sometimes I feel hurt or disappointed in humans and the fact they don’t all tend to act as I would – it does mean that I still maintain my loving heart. I am a great friend, and a great romantic. If you have me, as either, you have all of me – all in! You lucky devils…

Now back to the misery…

This is the thing I am MOST disappointed about of all about the ‘new’ shitter version of me. I AM high maintenance. What the FUCK! All of those years of being the sound girlfriend are OVER. For fucks sake…

I now require an absolutely embarrassing level of reassurance. I need to know that you haven’t changed your mind about the way you feel and if you don’t tell me you like me for a bit – I have to check! Its really not an attractive trait and it literally drives people away! Even the most patient of people are sick of the new needy me. I’m sick of me! I am jealous, insecure and envious of other people. This extends to their lives, whether they may be a threat to my life and even more stupid the way they look. Previously, whilst I never took for granted the feelings my friends or my partner felt towards me, I never once doubted it. More fool me – because in the end that was a really nasty realisation. That actually some people, who were my number ones, did not feel the way I thought they did about me and the way I definitely still felt about them. I have lost not only a partner, but some best friends along the way and I am still saddened by this. Boo hoo!

This brings me on nicely to one positive that I have discovered. I never thought I would, but I do forgive! Its a very humbling feeling to be able to forgive someone who has hurt you. Not everyone gets the luxury of my forgiveness, but some people have been given second chances I never thought I would be able to offer. However, whilst on face value I can overlook their unlawful behaviour, I cannot ever forget it. This is still a stumbling block for me, as if I really think about what has happened, on the odd occasion that it does pop into my mind these days – I get mad. Like a tiny inner version of hulk like rage where I just think – OH MY, What an almighty prick you are! I’m almost there, but not fully haha! Practise makes perfect…

The thing that effects my day to day life the most is my new found and completely unwelcome social anxiety. As opposed to the confident, mingling individual I used to be I now avoid medium to large sized social gatherings like they are some incurable STD. Initially, when I met with Family, or old friends – people did one of two things. They went in with, what has happened? Tell me everything – or I daren’t even speak to you at all in case you cry on me. Both of these were awful. Now if someone asks me about my year, my canned response is ‘I am sick of talking about it, so lets not”. I found myself feeling like I didn’t want to speak to anyone at all, and like I wanted to cry and just be silent, and no one ask me if I was ok. I just wanted to escape. So instead. I have just stopped attending. This has then, spiralled a little further into just generally associating social occasions with a feeling of dread even when it involves strangers. However, I do plough through on most situations, if I am sure that there will be no focus on me personally. I went to a football match this week. I wanted to have a huge panic attack and run away from all of the shouty, loud people. But instead, I sucked it up – pretended I knew a little about what was going on and I actually had a nice time. Thankfully, my close friends have been very understanding of this symptom and I have been pardoned from the events I just couldn’t face. Nice humans they are!

I guess the most obvious issue I have faced is that I have just been really really sad. Like initially, VERY low. I’m about 80% ok now, compared to about 20% ok earlier in the year. I have found that because whilst not knowing what has happened on the most part, that many people I know, and some I don’t, have actually contacted me. They have either reminded me that actually I’m not all bad, and that they just wanted me to know that they valued my existence to seeking support as they too feel very low. Both have these have helped me through massively. People have asked how I’ve dealt with it generally, and honestly, I have just been uncomfortably honest. I remember speaking with one of my best friends, and they said “how are you?” just as a general hello. To which I responded “Well this week I keep thinking about driving my car into a wall, and last night I googled how many pain killers it would actually take to kill me. However, don’t worry – I cant be arsed to buy 200 paracetamol. Can you imagine how many shops I’d have to go to, and I don’t want to risk just getting to the point I become disabled. I want 100% guarantee I will die, and nothing can provide me with this. So I know I wont do anything stupid. Anyway, enough of that – would you like tea of coffee?”. They cried. I told them to man up. We chose coffee instead of tea and cracked on with our conversation. This shocked people massively, and worried some of them. But honestly, they had no reason to worry. I wouldn’t have been so braisen about it if I actually wanted to do it. That didn’t stop me thinking about doing stupid things, however, it did mean that all taboo was taken away. No holes were barred. We could fully discuss both my feelings, and then they on most occasions followed my lead about their own troubles. This open forum has been a huge blessing in disguise and I’m so glad I decided not to be embarrassed or a complete pussy about opening up to people. It probably saved my life!

Whilst, I have by far had the absolute worst year of my life, and I would love to say I’m glad its over but I am definitely taking my battle into 2016. However, there have been some real positives that have come out of my year as well…

I have a new found ability to survive without relying on another human. I had my rug fully pulled from under me. I lost my house, a lot of my belongings, friends, my one true love, financial security and in turn my bloody MOJO. I have rebuilt my life, and I now have all of my own things that no one can take away from me. My house, my dog, largely my sanity haha. I can function on my own, and people can come and go – but either way, I will be sound! I cant ever stop anyone leaving my life, however, I can be in control of the effect that that has on my everyday existence. I’m much more self sufficient in terms of material things, and I intend to keep it that way. God help anyone who wants to share with me again… Haha! My poor mother and father spent all of those years instilling that sharing moral value into me and my siblings and now I’m like NO TARRRR.

I have learned that the minute you stop trying and start taking something for granted that you should expect to lose it. Everything in life is earned. Especially love. Don’t give up the ghost because you think you’ve got it in the bag. That shit takes work. Well done all of the nan and granddads out there – you are EPIC!

I have come to terms with the fact that actually, in life, we are only here once. If something doesn’t work for you, don’t be afraid to take a risk. Even if it is selfish. If I hadn’t have been selfish I would still be living in a life I had no idea only I was fighting for. I’m not mad about that, I’m grateful. I may be FREAKING OUT because I turn 27 next week and my shit is absolutely not together, however, I’m better off for it. I have my whole life ahead of me to make sure I fill with all of the things I desperately want from it. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less. YOLO and all that jazz – but seriously, don’t fuck about. You only get one. Make it the best it can be!

I know really, that deep down in my core – probably somewhere around my large intestine – I am still FABULOUS. At the minute I am just fighting the battle to find myself again. I am not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself in 2016 – If something isn’t working for me. I’m going to make some changes. As our old friend Albert Einstein so intelligently said “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the results to be different’. I certainly don’t fancy a lifetime of insanity so I will continue to challenge myself, and try some different shit until I get back to my inner awesomeness. Its not lost, its just buried somewhere.

I know that this time next year – I will be back to my normal social media hating self at new year! Comfortable in myself, and hating all of your boring mundane new year statuses and I cannot wait!

Peace out folk. Go find your MOJO and run with it….

Loves ❤

 

An actual honest personal add by a person who will definitely never go out with you.

Soooooo…. I’ve had an unusual amount of time on my hands of late and I may not have actually got out of bed for quite some time. Attractive hey?!? There really is nothing fitter than the laziest human in existence feeling sorry for themselves every day is there.

 

Given all of this time on my hands I have been watching a LOT of dead dead shit TV! My new vice is First Dates. I proper proper have an addiction to it. I think I really should stop writing loads of words twice I do. I’m not sure it adds much dramatic effect to my sentences does it?!

 

So anyway, I also downloaded Tinder for about half an hour to see if fit men exist within my vicinity. A man messaged me, I really didn’t actually want to speak to a single human – I got scared and deleted it immediately haha! Normal behaviour!

 

It got me thinking – I wonder what an actual honest personal add would actually read like. No one tells the truth on their dating profile, or first dates really do they. So I thought, I would spend a little time – being as I am absolutely not looking for love, and am 100% closed for business in every sense of the words – writing an actual honest personal add just for your enjoyment. No one else dares. I say – he who dares wins.

I should also point out in my (nearly) 27 years of life I have never been taken on a date. Well, that is kind of a lie. When I was around 13, or like a decade ago or whatever it is, I went out with a boy called Jonathan. He took me to see ‘Meet the Parents’ and I was basically a lactose intolerant midget so about 1 foot tall. He brought me popcorn. I sat in my fold down chair, and I got a bit stuck in the foldy bit, my feet folded into my head and I threw my popcorn all over the cinema. Smooth hey?! So I never bothered again haha! Shall we pretend that this is the reason I haven’t been on a date and not because no one has asked me?! Yes, lets!

 

I’ve always found myself to be a very low maintenance bird. I’m not much into high maintenance me. Who can be arsed with that shit? I’m like a tell it how it is kinda girl and with me you get what you see. If you play games, get yourself down the park mate. While you’re there I have a dog that needs walking…

 

This brings me nicely onto my first point. Must LOVE dogs. My dog is literally my best mate. Like I proper love her. Loads. She is like my actual child. I don’t put her in my handbag or anything – I’m not that girly. In fact I’m a bit of a bloke I am. But on a serious note, if you won’t let my dog into your bed. Like in the actual covers. We can’t go out.

 

You MUST be a mong. Honestly, if you aren’t we won’t get on. I like someone who is an absolute idiot through and through. I don’t like to take myself too seriously, and I like someone who is up for being a bit of a tool with me. To test your mong levels – we can play a game of guess who. Instead of describing the hair colour or all of that boring shite – lets go with ‘are you a Kebab shop owner?’ and see if we can level with each others inner mong and end up with the same person at the end. Then we can go out.

 

Cute humans need apply. I like gayness. Like the maximum levels. Nothing is ever too cute. If you make my mates throw up cu’s you’re the cutest human ever – you’re in! I hate surprises, but you’d better surprise me. Cus’ I like that you wanted too cus’ that’s cute innit.

 

Must not be a wet lettuce. I hate a soggy peace of salad. I like a firm, crisp piece of lettuce who knows what salad he wants to be in. Basically, make a decision. I’m dead not decisive, and I need you to man up and look after me. Don’t let me walk all over you either, but also don’t try and tell me what to do…OKAY? Its not that hard is it?? Make sure you’ve got a bit of ambition too. Know where you’re going and what you want. Preferably lets aim for the same direction.

 

Must be willing to be a big spoon. I LOVE a cuddle and you must stroke my hair every night without fail until I fall asleep. And like a good stroke too, not just like a dead shit one where you get all of your fingers knotted up in my hair and pat me a bit.

 

Must understand that girls fart too. Honestly, I find a fart proper funny. What’s not funny is a boy who thinks girls don’t fart, or poo or have normal bodily functions. What’s even more not funny is having to hold your fart in for a YEAR! You must also appreciate a good bit of fart humour too.

 

Must not tell anyone I look rank in the morning. I do – lets keep that a secret.

 

Commitment phobes need not apply – no seriously – don’t! I’m aiming for the good life. Like Kids and that one day.

 

You must like Santa. I get proper excited about Christmas. So you will need to wake up at like 4am on Christmas morning.

 

Must not like walking too much. Honestly, my Dad dragged me on so many camping holidays as a kid. He made me walk looooooads and I still haven’t come to terms with it. I like an adventure. But more of a like get in a car, and drive to it kind of adventure. D’you know what I’m saying?

 

Must be willing to give me your opinion when ever it is requested, however, be prepared for me to fully ignore your advice. I’m only asking you to make myself feel better about the decision I have already made.

 

So basically, I don’t want that much do I?!

 

You should also know, that basically, if you want to go out with me – you need not apply. Because Im totes not going out with anybody right now, or for the foreseeable future. My shops closed for the season.

 

Bye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Meaning of Fucking Life!

I tell you what, when you’re growing up and you are desperate to be a grown up way ahead of your years they REALLY don’t tell you about the crap bits that come with being an adult. Its proper hard innit?!?
Life is full of difficult decisions, that no one has prepared you for and you find yourself in some really crappy situations just winging it and hoping for the best haha! Lets face it no one really knows how to adult – We are all just winging it and praying that in some way we make a decision that will bring us closer to the life that we really wanted when we were naïve little girls. Thinking only that we would all live happily ever after. I talk about this with one of my absolute best pals often, who is coincidentally a mother of a very lovely young lady. We discuss how we will construct a conversation aimed at an 8 year old, to tell them about what hardships may come to better prepare them for the REAL world. It’s a rather depressing concept to portray – so in the end we were thrilled to learn there is a new programme on Disney which is based on the young daughters of all of the ‘Pure, heavenly’ Disney characters that we grew up around. The daughters are all major badasses and they cause all sorts of havoc and are mean to people along the way. We just gave her a TV remote and said, watch that haha! How very 21st century – if that even is the century we are in now. It sums up a little of what we would be trying to explain at least, and takes away some of the sugar coating.
Not only is adulting really difficult, but being an adult woman is even harder. Have you ever seen that film ‘What women want’? It portrays the idea that men are oblivious to what we REALLY want – and following a mishap with an electrical current Mel Gibson is finally privy to one of life’s biggest mysteries. Well Mel, when you find out please let me know. I am a women and for the love of actual god I have no idea what I want so god help the men in my life! Or women for that matter – never say never!
When I was a little girl I had some really mad ideas about what I REALLY wanted from life…
My very first memory was speaking to my lovely Dad about driving. Upon one of our father/daughter car journeys he instructed me that I should learn how to read a map. He said that I never looked where we were going when we were in the car and with that he handed me the ridiculously massive and confusingly folded piece of paper and instructed me to ‘Find where we were’. I looked at him like he was THE most retarded human in the world who had lost the actual plot and said “I don’t need to know how to read a map Daaaad.” In hindsight, I was very right. However, little did I know that a small electronically powered equivalent to a paper cup and a piece of string would be capable of telling me how to get from A to B and instead I replied “I am going to marry a man, who will drive me everywhere I want to go dad. So I don’t even need to learn how to drive.” I was proper proud of myself too.
As an adult, many years later – I was lucky enough to have actually married a man who was completely T-Total. You know what that meant. It meant designated drivers 4EVS. Yes, my childhood dream had come true. In fact when I very first met him I couldn’t actually drive. So my once fatally floored ‘dream’ of being chauffeured around had finally become a reality. And do you know what, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. When I couldn’t actually drive myself, I had to wait to be picked up from everywhere. And my then husband (yes we are no more!) was absolutely the most diabolical time keeper. In the winter months I could spend 40 minutes to an hour waiting in the rain after work to be picked up, thinking ‘surely he cant be much longer now’.
The dream of the always designated driver also drastically affected our relationship fun levels. At no point could we ever get blind drunk together and make absolute tits of ourselves dancing to terrible music at crappy weddings. He was as sober as a judge – and I felt like I had to behave like a judge was watching my every move too. Its funny how even when someone says nothing, you feel compelled to behave so much more when they are sober and you have had a drink. But at the end of each of those nights I got into the passenger side of the car, looked at my feet and not out of the window, as I always had and I got driven from A to B – Was I happy?! No. Obviously, I am a woman!
Now lets see, what else did I want…
When I started high school I became fascinated with the idea that I wanted a baby – by the age of 16. As you do. What an absolute moron I was ha!
I had decided that the only thing I wanted in life was to become a parent. Babies were very cute, and small and when you had one you somehow looked super cool. A little like smoking a cigarette. Because that was cool once wasn’t it?!?
With this in mind, I chose to study child development when I got to year 9 and could choose my own subjects. I was MOST excited about this prospect. We went through two years of ‘intense’ training (which wasn’t very intense at all) about what may be involved in being a parent. I did actual coursework on how to look after a child haha! What a ridiculous concept that was. Then after studying hard for those two years the course came to a head when we got the chance to look after the simulated doll! DER DER DERRRRR.
It was the moment I had been waiting for… the chance to be a fake mum! I was so excited by this that I made a special request to the ever so slightly interfering Mrs Powell and asked if I could take baby Olivia (yes we respectably named her too) home for the WHOLE weekend instead of the one night that the course involved. She was more than happy to oblige and at the time I remember feeling very lucky.
The Friday came around and I was dead excited to take her home. I proudly cuddled the doll – at the age of 16. Who even plays with dolls at 16??! I got her home and all was going well. The way she worked is she came with a small slot in her back and a series of keys that represented different activities like winding, feeding, cuddling etc… When she cried you had to try and figure out what it was that she wanted and then act accordingly by placing the correct key in her back. Piece of piss! Right?!? WRONNNNNNG. As night fell, and the house became quiet I swear her cries became louder. That first night she woke me up 15, YES 15!!!! times. My brother began to bang on our connecting bedroom wall as if I could make her shut the fuck up quicker. So I proceeded to put a pillow over her face. Guess what?!? She knew and cried louder. Who knew smothering your fake child was against the rules?!?
Even now I wonder if babies do realistically wake up 15 times a night – surely not?
On my 15th wake up call of the night having smothered baby Olivia I was ready to crack her against a wall. Such a natural aren’t I? So one of the keys that came with her was called the dramatically named PANIC key. This key silenced her, but it also notified your teacher you had failed as a mother haha! So I though, fuck this shit – I went downstairs and I got the tape out of the drawer in the kitchen. I placed the panic key into her holey back and I wrapped tape all around her middle taping it in so she would just SHUT THE HELL UPPPPP! Guess what – didn’t work! So not only had I failed, and now my teacher knew – she was still crying. She was like the spawn of Satan.
As you can imagine after a weekend of looking after the devil child, which also involved a public trip to Milton Keynes – where I was seen out of the house, in public, as a 16 year olf – playing with a DOLL! My life was over – I could not wait to hand her back.
To be honest, I go through phases. When I was married all I wanted to be was a mum. I tried, it didn’t really work and turns out its much harder than they lead you to believe when they put the fear of god into you in sex education. In hindsight, as I am a failed marriage down – This really was a blessing in disguise. But in all honesty, I still find a lot of children really annoying. They’re quite needy aren’t they?!? Not sure I am ready for that.
So yet again, my other life’s mission has gone a bit ski-wiff again too!
Finally, I wanted to get married. I did it. I was very excited – and I thought I had properly MADE IT. My life was complete. I was going to be one of those nuclear families that you saw on the front of post cards at Christmas. Hurrah. Oh wait, that went up the shitter too. I mean that was a little more complex than an annoying baby screaming 15 times a night and standing out in the cold waiting for my lift, but non the less my third and final desire in life had failed.
I cant even say the wedding was the best day of my life. I really wanted it to be. I thought I was all about the party and the ceremony didn’t matter. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The ceremony was perfect, and the party was dead crap. I spend the whole night worrying, and then afterwards I worried some more. I never saw my husband, and barely spoke to most of my friends and I cried for 2 weeks after it was over haha!
So now, I am left here – wondering what do I really want in life! I thought I had all that I wanted, and it turns out that it wasn’t all that whether that be just because of certain factors or because it just wasn’t as perfect as I had hoped. Its properly drummed into you as a child that you must always know where you are heading and what you want to achieve – but no one ever tell you that life gets in the way.
I sat over dinner with someone telling me all about their life plan, and how they would never deviate from it for anyone because it was the most important thing to them at this moment in time. And whilst I completely admire their optimism and their focus – can we ever decide and get what we truly want in life if we really set our minds to it? Or does life just get in the way?
For any of you peoples that know me in real life, rather than social media life – you will know that I am ANAL. I am a control freak, in the most overwhelming way possible. I too spent my life thinking I had a plan, and that I WOULD get it and it was the absolute most important thing possible. Everyone was going to have to go along with it, whether they liked it or not. If you told me my plan was floored, or even recommended something else – I wanted it harder!
For the first time in my life I am sat here, alone. With only my dog for company realising that I have no plan. Nothing. Nada. I have no idea what I want from life now. I had everything I wanted and I essentially lost it. That sounds depressing, but it isn’t always. I lost it on purpose in some cases.
I am LOSING MY MIND having no plan. I have no sense of direction, and no desire to reach an end goal. I simply get through each day at a time.
I wonder if when I was 8 and telling my Dad about my dead certain life plan – if he too wondered how to warn my what life would throw at me?!? Probably. As I am now an adult, I can also tell you, and all of the 8 year olds out there thinking life will be great – That the reason I couldn’t think of a way to tell a child what life will REALLY be like, and how to be prepared for that is because honestly, you never ever know. Not even when you are an adult. You have no idea what you are doing, and if it is right. You can only do what feels right for you at the time. And so that brings us back to our ‘fluffy little childhood dreams’ – Do what makes you happy said all parents always.
They were right really weren’t they?!? They just forgot the bit about the upset that causes along the way. I’m sure that life is just one big confusing mess and you certainly learn some valuable lessons along the way. I will keep facing each day, hoping for some clarity – now in the knowledge I may never find it
Good luck being an adult kids – you’ll need it.

Blogalogin

Well hello you lovely folk…

So I have finally got around to making an actual real life blog. I know you are all thrilled, I can tell.

Let eat me introduce myself. My name is Laura, Lauz, Swamps, divorce… What ever you want to call me…

This is my face. I take a well filtered selfie. I’m much less attractive in real life ha

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Ive been meaning to write a blog for some time as I actual proper enjoy putting fingertip to iPad, or keyboard. I would say paper but that’s proper vintage now innit.

I’m 26. I’ve crammed a lot in over my 26 years.

I’ve owned 15 pets the weirder the better, one house, one husband and subsequently squeezed in one divorce…

I make the most ridiculous rash decisions.. I once had a boob job because someone rang me and said “want one?” And I was just like yeah why not.

If you tell me I can’t have something I want it harder.

I will ask 3 people’s opinion before every decision that I make, and ignore all advice they gave me anyway.

I love to cook.

I love cute humans.

I hate surprises but like the sentiment of them.

I have naturally different coloured eyes, I was probably destined to be weird.

I can lick my own elbow. Can you?

I nip out to get tattoos like most people nip out for a loaf of bread.

I have loads of favourites – people, food, places, faces.

I currently sleep about 3 hours a night.

Despite many a broken heart, I wear my heart of my sleeve and I will always be a totally open book.

I will ALWAYS tell you the truth even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

My absolute best friend is definitely my dog. Her name is Bettë and she is literally the best thing I ever bought.

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I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to.

Sometimes my mental health can be questionable and I’m really not embarrassed to hide it.

I like make up and changing my hair, and I have had some VERY interesting phases one of which gained me the nickname shit eyes and let me tell you they were shit.

If I’m honest, I don’t know what i’ll write about I am totally open to suggestion. So here’s to the unexpected.

I guess it’ll probably be about what I’ve been up to, or how not mentally stable I feel this week – you know the usual. Or I may even talk about the hot topic of the week amongst my pals without naming any names of course.

So anyway, I just thought I’d better start somewhere so…hello and here goes.